Wednesday, October 29, 2008
On Lost Friends:
In the past few days some of the people in the blogs I read have been dealing with the loss of friends to death. Little Black Crow with the first anniversary of her good friend Julie’s death and Judith with the recent death of a friend and co-worker Peg have been two in particular in blogs I read regularly.
As you know death is never far from my thoughts. But I am aware that this is not so for everyone. Still just because I think about endings often doesn’t mean I’m any closer to understanding or embracing it. Nor do I feel it has to be all sad and depressing.
Whether I’m strange or not I have been acquainted with the death of people I held close in life. My grandparents and other older relatives have all passed on, friends have met with an early grave, and my son was killed in a car accident.
It never gets easier to deal with or any less painful when it happens. The loss always leaves gaps unfilled and the dynamic of other relationships change because of this. Death and loss change us in ways we don’t like, leaving us with feelings of sadness and depression, of being lost in a once familiar place.
Reading their blogs reminded me of how I felt shortly after my good friend Loretta died in an apartment house fire. It was the same time of year and the pensive feelings we all seem to get in the autumn lends itself to feeling the loss all the more.
I miss her a lot to this day. She was intelligent and a good friend. She had her demons like we all do. And I look to them to make myself feel better. ‘At least she is not bothered by them anymore.’ I tell this to myself so I don’t feel so bad anymore. It doesn’t really help, but I try none the less.
I have a hole in my life for every loss. Today I’ll try again to make them fit into a lacy pattern in my life instead of a sign of destruction and decay of relationships lost. I’ll also find some joy in this day. It’s there to off set the sadness, I only have to be open to looking for it.