Thursday, May 14, 2009

On Ups and Downs of Memories:

Today I’m feeling some what better. Special happy events in my daughters life combine with sad anniversaries from the past have been making my days bitter sweet lately.

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I was weepy and moody. I didn’t get a lot done around here. I haven’t been sleeping well. Nightmares and bad dreams keep me up at night leaving my days lacking. Monday is coming.

Monday would have been my Son’s 35 birthday. He died in a car accident almost ten years ago.

I’ve been all stirred up this year. My daughter’s graduation last month and her up coming wedding in August, combined with the up coming tenth anniversary of his death in July, is making more of my days a roller coaster ride of memories.

I gauge my day’s work load by how I feel when I wake up in the morning. Some days feel like time hasn’t passed at all since that night he died and others are blissfully normal.

How do you move on and leave your child behind? I still don’t know. I do it most days, but I don’t know how I got there.

Yesterday I pushed myself to clean and do things around here. I posted my blog here and a story on my Thrill or Shiver blog, (which I have been sadly neglecting lately.) Everything was a chore and my crafts went untouched.

Today feels regular and more even. I will probably go back to my knitting and go through my day like many others before it. Happiness and perkiness in place and not forced.

I’m back on the roller coaster of memories because my son’s birthday is coming again. How long does it take to forget to remember? And, What do you do with the guilt when you do?

On Monday I’ll post pictures of children’s headstones. I’m loading it on the timer today. On Monday I’ll be in the cemetery, but not on a pleasure day. I’ll be riding the waves of memory and broken promises at my son’s grave side on his birthday.


Mouse said...

*hugs* I don't think I know which words are appropriate.. but know that I'm here if you need me.

rabbitIng said...

I think you are amazing. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my son, or one of my daughters.

Take some time for yourself, and be good to yourself. You seem to have been quite hectic lately. When I do that, I always find it harder to keep away from sad and difficult thoughts. My heart goes out to you. Be well. This too will pass. Very best wishes.