Wednesday, July 7, 2010

On Replacing Grief with Worth:

On Replacing Grief with Worth:

I’d like to thank everyone for their support yesterday. It meant a lot.

Whether one word or many, I felt the love. And in that, I did not feel so alone. Thank You

I do carry the burden of being the sole holder of the memories from my son’s life before his sister was old enough to be part of the memories, now that his father is dead.

I tug at the shredded memories left to me after my cancer treatments. Piecing together the fragments of memories along with the pictures from those days. Birthdays, Holidays, First’s days, Any old days. When I am gone they will be gone with me. Just as now that his father is gone, so the memory pool has been diminished by his passing.

It is as it should be, I believe. No one wants all the bumps and mistakes in their life remembered. I need to accept the loss and move on to the day to day living of the life I have left.

There will be a grandchild this autumn that may jog a few memories for me. I will tell these tales with the others, passing them on in hopes that My son’s memory will never really die.

And I can hope that someday someone will say, ‘I’m related to that guy from Kevin’s Mittens, he was my uncle.’ And then I’ll know that I did my job of keeping my son’s memory alive thou I couldn’t do the same for his body.

The other part of the burden, is the fact that this burden is backwards. The children should be carrying the memory of the parents forward, for they are older and the next generation carries the torch. With my fewer remaining years I hold and foster the memories of the younger into the future.

I try, in my small way, to make his name known with Kevin‘s Mittens. So that he can be found when someone in the future goes looking for him in the family history. (The internet can and has been a huge help there.)

Now I must make plans for mitten making again. As soon as the weather breaks and yarn moves through my fingers instead of sticking to hot fingers. The hot weather will break and I’ll pick up my needles again. But right now I’ll be a mother remembering a little boy wanting a giant mitten.

And it will make me smile all over again.


Ma Teakettle said...

Hugging and holding you in my heart :)

I believe that you are never alone, and that grief, though painful as it is, is it's own way of remembering those we loved most and lost, and what a lucky grandchild to have a grandma who will ensure that her uncle remains alive until it is her turn to carry on the memory of both of you, and what a memory keeper she will be, as she learned early the beauty of remembering. You are going to be one amazing grandma, we should all be so lucky :)

Stay cool :)

Judith said...

These essays are really magnificent and inspiring. Perhaps because of your honesty in your grieving you have not only kept alive the memory of your son but have been able to touch the rest of the world that is grieving. I feel quite fortunate to have found you on the Internet. Actually, you found me first. :)