Monday, June 16, 2008

On Crying in My Tea:

I’m little depressed today. Not all boo-hooy depressed. But the can’t get down to business kind. I got a phone call yesterday that was the last straw. So now I have the why bother, don’t feel like moving blues. I can cure it with a little chocolate. One candy bar and I’m back. Motivated, energized, happier but I gain weight.

I had a Victorian tea party all set up for some of my friends next week. Not a romantigoth one but still dress up. Everyone was excited and more guests were added soon after the invitations went out. Others heard about the fun and wanted to come too. And now with the cost of gas and the fact that I live so far away from everyone else it’s been canceled. No guests to arrive and I’m feeling sad.

So, Do I self medicate with chocolate and gain weight or sit around feeling lonely? Mountain Man is busy. He is always busy but more so in the spring. I have no friends to hang out with. All my friends have work/kids, live too far away, and/or they are not into goth.

I don’t drive. Not since the chemo caused me to have mild seizures. I still get gray spells everyday. I hear and see but can’t respond for few seconds to a few minutes. Not the thing to do behind the wheel. Almost no one but me knows that they are even happening most of the time. And Mountain Man is too busy to drive me to see my friends, I’m lucky if he gets me out to the grocery store once a week. I understand the work needs to be done but I sit alone while he‘s busy in the garden, splitting wood, mowing or the like.

Once people came from all over to visit with us, walk in our woods and teach their kids how to fish in our pond. Now it’s too expensive to come here for a get away day when they can walk to the park in town.

I know that my friends still care and that when it comes to gas money they have to spend it on priorities first. But I’m feeling a bit cut off. I was having fun getting everything planned and ready for the last two months. I’m all dressed up and can’t get anywhere. I live so far out of town that it’s a mile to the nearest place a taxi will stop for a pick up and I’d have to pay double for them to do that too.

Harry Nilsson said it in ‘The Point’ when he wrote the song ‘Think About Your Troubles.’ Don’t mind me I’m just crying into my teacup. I already feel better just getting it out. Thanks for listening.

(I added a link to the words to the song for those of you that don‘t know it.)

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