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I have to say that I am sorry to anyone that had a troubling time with my little breakdown. I had a need that was not being filled in any other way so I came to my Gothy cyber friends. Some wonderful people came to my aid. (I thank them with all I have to give in my humble heart.) I am bruised and dusty but I will get up and move on.
You’d have thought I wouldn’t need people like those in my family in my life and I’d be happy to be well rid of them. But I kept on telling myself that they are family and diluting myself that in being family it would eventually work out to the good.
In total it is not as bad as when I lost my son in a car accident fifteen years ago. That this loss of unsupportive harpies would not compare, but in some ways I think it made the loss worse. They knew I had been through the hell fire of loss already and they chose to be cruel anyway. Conspired to be. I was still fragile where family funerals were concerned and that was when they chose to strike.
Enter helpful Gothy cyber friends:
So after a few cyber hugs my Gothy heart was restarted and I unfolded my rumple wings like a moth from a cocoon.
I am not a phoenix. I didn’t rise triumphant from the ashes. But I do rise with the help of others who are stronger than me at the moment or if not strong physically, they are understanding and giving which is a different kind of strength.
I will, no doubt, hover too close to persons who will cause me pain once again. It is part of relationships to have some conflict and to grow from the experience.
I also know that I am not totally healed yet. That will take a bit more time.
All in all I am better off without those family members in my life. No one needs a pack of mean vindictive people hanging around them. It sours everything that is good. It was the loss of hope that broke me. Hope that some day true acceptance would come about. False hope to be sure.
But hope is the candle in the dark. The flame to which we flit. It keeps us alive to live another day. It lights our dreams.
Today I am a moth.
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4 comments:
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. No one should have to grieve alone, you needed that support! I have family and in-laws a lot like yours too. Just like you, they knocked me down when I was at my lowest. To me, there are family members who are family but most of them, its only blood. To me, I have a lot of friends who are more family to me than my real family members. You should never have to excuse yourself or feel bad for asking for help/support. There is nothing wrong with that. *hugs*
I am glad you are feeling more optimistic today. I agree with you about about cutting out toxic people from your life. And it can be extremely difficult when they are either family or coworkers. It's hard when you can't avoid them completely. I think being aware of what they are doing helps a lot. Instead of being drawn into the drama, be aware of their behaviour and look at it for what it is. I just try to make that time with those people very short. And afterwards be sure to exorcise their bad mojo by doing some meditation.
This is one of my favorite things about the blogosphere. You will always find support if you need it. I really appreciate posts that spill from the heart.
One thing I've learned, family is who you choose to be in your life, not necessarily who shares DNA with you.
Amen to all the comments above. Family, to me, are the people who touch your heart, not the ones who break it.
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