Monday, November 17, 2014

Forgetful Fear

Looking at the screen here I ran a blank.

I did have some things to say when I sat down.

Don't you hate when that happens.

It doesn't make me feel old.  (Mountain Man always asks me that questions when it happens as we talk.)

This 'running a blank' has happened to me all my life.

It makes me feel small and lost.

As a child I would occasionally get lost.  It didn't frighten me.  I just went about rectifying the situation.

But having a memory hiccup does.  It is more than being lost in a place.  It is a disconnect to everything.  Set adrift for a moment.  No safety.  No tether.  What if I can't get back?

I look at people who are old and feeble, lost in their own minds and it makes me shudder.  It was the hardest part of my job as an elder care worker.

Yes, I and others were there to take care of their bodies, but where were they stuck in their heads.  Was it a beautiful peaceful place?  Or were they stuck in a place feeling lost and small and all alone?

My greatest fear is being stuck in that place.  And worse yet my care takers are not likely to dress me in the dark Victorian funeral wear I so enjoy.

I'll be stuck in a place of loud bright colors.  Unable to scream for help.  Lost and small and all alone unable to communicate until I die.

That scares the ba-gee-bers out of me.

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