Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Is anybody there?

I know that my finding out that I'm old is not all that interesting to you.

But it was an earth shattering moment for me.

And it will happen to you someday, time willing.

I know that you don't really want to hear it.  But it will.

I'm not a mirror person.

Oh I have mirrors.  Lots of them in every room of the house.  Placed mainly to move light around, create the illusion of space, or make a point of interest.

I just don't look at my reflection.

I don't interest me, I guess.

I'll look to see if my clothing is right.  If there is a smudge on my face, or my hair is straight.

(I don't do makeup daily.  Only when I go out to an event.)

So surprise, surprise!  I got old when I wasn't looking.

Now I have to face time and its aging process.

I've looked the Grim Reaper in the face a few times already.

I think that I didn't believe I'd get this far.

But here I am.

Feeling alone, lost and asking for help.

With no extended family support any longer and no local Goth community to go to, where can this old Goth go for support, comfort and friendship but the Goth family she has adopted as her own on the web.

But at the moment I'm feeling a bit like the hot potato that hit the floor and got all smashed so nobody wants it any longer.

I am sorry if I'm talking about something you can't relate to or would rather avoid.  But at the moment I need to know that someone out there still wants me around a while longer.  My family doesn't.

Is it time for me to just fade away?  Stop blogging?   Crawl in a corner and die?

No, I'm not suicidal.  Just a little tired of rejection.  And sitting in a room full of people all talking and laughing with each other and finding myself alone again, shunted off into a corner, just left me feel sad yesterday.

The center is great fun when there is an activity but a very lonely place when you have no friends there.  The wait between class's can be tiring when you're being systematically ignored again for being the strange one in the room.

If I'm not useful here, I'll go away.  No one likes listening to ever expanding silence when they've shown a need for a hug.

A little hug, Please?


Mary Bart said...

I am happy for you that you found the centre to go and hang out at. I think you will just have to get used to being the weird friend though. Especially if there is no one else interested in the same things that you are. I am lucky I have friends that enjoy the same things I do, but I also have a lot of normal friends that just think I'm weird. In fact my screen name Monster Mary is from a friend. She calls me that because of the way my house is decorated and for my love of old horror movies. Quite often people that I work with just can't relate to the things I enjoy. But they love me for who I am. Those that can't...well I just ignore them. It wasn't always that way for me though. I had to learn to not care what others think. And I am much happier for it.

Where I live has a huge and varied Goth community. And at 45 I am usually one of the older people at most get togethers. But as they say, you are only as old as you feel. Now of course I don't even consider myself an Elder Goth because I know people that are in their 60s as well. It's all relative.

There is a woman that comes into the store I work at often. I look to her for inspiration. She is beautiful to me. She has bright red hair, her nails are painted black, she wears Egyptian eyeliner (expertly applied), and she is always dressed in a beautiful velvet or silk dress. And she is in her 70s! But what makes her truly stand out is her confidence and demeaner. When I told her I liked her style one day, she just smiled and said "oh honey I've dressed this way for years. Young girls today have no style. They just want to all look the same". And you know something? She is absolutely right! She reminds me of Louise Brooks. She is timeless and Classic and more Goth than I ever hope to be.

So my point is just be who you are. And people will enjoy your company. If that woman can have the confidence to be goth in her 70s then so can we. :)

Sylvie Little Corp Goth Girl said...

I just want you to know, while I may not always comment, I read your posts. So big *hugs* you got my support.

Spookieness said...

*hugs* I understand where you're coming from. I've shut out almost everyone from my life. I want you to know your thoughts and feelings are valid and we love to hear from you. Always feel like there is an outlet to vent.

Lucretia said...

I second all the above comments!! And I LOVE reading your posts and your e-mails. In fact, I'm honored that you e-mail me privately. I feel I've found a friend in you, and I hope you feel the same. If we lived close enough, I'd be running over to your house frequently, and inviting you over to mine.

I've also noticed that I'm getting... older. I refuse to label anything/anyone as officially "old" until they reach at least 70. And even then, it's still pretty relative. I'm 52, but I still feel 20-something inside. Most days, anyway.

Sending you all the hugs you want/need!