Monday, July 27, 2009

On Lavender and Lace:

Sorry, I got lost this morning in the garden. I started to pick Raspberries for my breakfast and then I started to weed in the flowers. I have been neglecting my non-food gardening. The Day Lily’s have Jewel Weed growing as high as they are.

Some things are doing better. The Pee Gee Hydrangeas are starting to blossom. But they are on the lawn and Mountain Man has been keeping most of the weeds away with the mower. The weeds that have yet to be pulled at the base.

These two, I don’t know their name, has hundreds of honey bees humming away on it’s many blossoms all day long.

My lavender is over run with weeds. So much so, I had trouble finding the lavender at all. My lavender patch this year is all new plants. My older plants died in a bad winter that split the stems. I moved the patch to the side of the house so the freeze and frost won’t bother the plants as much.

I’m a lavender and lace lady. Lavender oil is my scent of choice and I use lavender all over the house. I store my linens with lavender between the sheets. I have bowls of the dried flowers as room fresheners. I use lavender salts in my bath, lavender soap and lavender shampoo.

My crop of flowers are as low and slow as the veggies in this wet, cool and rainy year. Today I weeded. Now I have top get back to sewing the lace on the things for the wedding.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

On Preparing to Make Memories:

It seems like this is going to be the way it is for the time being. Blogging every other day just fits right now. Maybe after the wedding I can get back to the daily blogging.

It is less then a month until The Wedding. I started the pre-packing. Ironing clothing and polishing shoes. Making sure I have stockings and bug spray bought, checking hems for loose threads, you know what I mean. I don’t want to have to run around like a chicken without a head and miss enjoying what is going on while I‘m there.

I am having a bit of trouble not going to the place where I imagine what my son’s wedding might have been like. I can do that after my daughter’s wedding is over if I like. But still it is hard. They spent so much of the time as kids together that most of my memories of one involve the other. When I think about how the wedding next month will go, I see him standing in line to come down the isle with the rest of the groomsmen.

One year for Halloween, he even was the groom to her bride, even though we put a pack of cards in his pocket and an ace up his sleeve so if his friends saw him he could tell them he was a river boat gambler in his suit and top hat.

I’ve been finding myself listening to a lot of the music from the 70’s lately. The kids where little and happy then. The frolic years. Full of growing and exploring the world at large, learning and challenging both themselves and what was around them. Starting out on the path ahead.

Life, love and laughter. Watching my daughter prepare to pass through the gates of marriage into the future with the man she loves. I wish them the best of everything life has to offer. But mostly I hope that they take the time not to miss the regular days. Those are the days that are the foundation and glue of the whole thing. The surprise memories will live there.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

On Flight with Fairies:

What to do when life is not going your way? Why, Break out your fairy wings of course. I’ve been wearing my fairy wings for the last few days and it has done me wonders.

I have both large and small wings as you can see by the picture. The large are fun, but have the draw back of getting in the way while trying to get things done around the house.

I had to start with the large black, being in the mood I was in, but I quickly progressed to the ladybug by afternoon. Having a lot of wings also makes it easier to color coordinate with the clothing of the day. Or the mood I’m striving for.

A woman can never have too many wings! I am teaching Mountain Man this fact. We are both having trouble with this loss process. (The dog still lives by the way.)

Being Goth is not a ‘get out of mourning free’ card. Nor is it a revelry in death, although that is done at times also. It is an acceptance of death as part of life and a giving of joy to its mysteries. That said, it is not any easier to go through the times of loss for a Goth any more then the rest of the people out there. And for some even harder.

I love this dog of ours. I mourn her loss in my life as I would a person. But I also know that putting on a sour face and tears won’t make it more bearable. So I choose wings and dancing in the wind. Flying with fairies.

The days of sadness come unbidden into our lives. But fun is there for the making.

Flight With Fairies
by Lady Euphoria Deathwatch

Come fly with me on fairy wings,
To lands not seen round here.
Where candy grows on bushes,
And honey flows like beer.

The wind is warm, the light is right,
We haven’t got a care.
And all we have to do all day,
Is play and laugh and share.

The darker side of life we know,
Is just around the bend.
But here we’re safe with fairies,
And the fun will never end.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

On The Dog is Still Sick:

I can’t get the hang of being a night person. Early mornings, yes. Sleeping in, no.

My whole day is all mixed up and fractured. Plans are not fulfilled. I seem to get absolutely nothing done. And I can’t find time for even the most important things.

Not that I’m wishing the dog dead, I just want my life back in a workable condition. All knitting I’ve done has been ripped out do to simple mistakes.

I didn’t even attempt to get on the roof to take the pictures of the wall. I keep on tripping over my own two feet. My knees are hurting from the contact with the ground. See the dents?

This is more then jet lag. It has the added worry of the final illness of a loved pet added to it. I’m trying to be positive, but I just don’t have the strength. I’m just tired and I want an end to this.

I can’t even get the blog out daily much as I try. And I have been trying.

I’ll tell myself, ‘Just after I clean up this dog pee. Or I get a shower. Or I throw in another load of pooped or puked on doggie blankets in the wash.’

I’m supposed to be having fun getting ready for my daughters wedding, am I right? Now it is looking like Mountain Man won’t be coming to the wedding to stay home with the sick dog. All that Tango practice while not wasted won’t be being shown off at the wedding after all.

I understand that this dog is his baby. But my baby is having her wedding. And it is being upstaged in my house by a dog who just won’t die. That sounds bad, but I think you know what I mean. If she is going to die anyway I’m tired and I’d like is over with.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

On What’s Next:

I’m still catching up here on the web reading the blogs I missed when they first came out. Sleeping in to catch up on the missed hours not in bed because of the dog.

Lady Short, our older dog, is doing some what better this morning. She even took a small walk in the yard. This after days of doing her business where she lay, even as she slept. She also hasn’t had a seizure yet today. (Crossing my fingers and hoping I didn‘t jinx things by saying that.)

I’m having another go at getting knitting projects done. I’m finishing the lace for the wedding and deciding on what clothes to bring to wear on the wedding weekend at the retreat center.

I’m doing good on my weight loss since the Wii game came to live at my house. Five pounds so far. I don’t get to do the exercises every day. You can’t do anything with a migraine, but what I have been doing is working.

I have pictures to take and show you of Mountain Man’s wall. I have to go on the roof to get them and I haven’t climbed up there yet. But this afternoon Mountain Man is going to get the ladder out for me.

Things are starting to come back together again. And I can take a breath and let it out slowly without wondering, what’s next.

Here’s to hoping all our days are less worrisome in the days to come.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

On Being Sleepy:

I’m tired. The older dog, Lady Short, our Pug has been having some bad nights. I got up so late yesterday morning that I never did catch up with myself.

So, here I sit very sleepy trying to get my day started.

I don’t do caffeine. Not since the breast cancer anyway. Its not that I did it much before. But it was nice to have it as a back up, when I did need something to get me started.

I’ll be going back to bed once Mountain Man takes over his shift of watching the dog. But it won’t be for long. He has a commitment elsewhere today. So for the better part of the day I’ll be on my own on the dog care front.

Watching a loved pet grow too old to care for itself is hard. I’m glad to give him the break. I watched as they bonded on the day she came home with us. They’ve been conjoined ever since. She would even wedge herself between our legs whenever he took me dancing in the kitchen on a whim.

We tango these days without having to watch out for her little paws in the way. She didn’t seem to know that we are there as she slept on her pillow on the side of the room as we swayed to the music last night.

This morning she is sleeping quieter now. How does she know in her sleep, that Mountain Man just got up for the day. His turn to watch her.

I’m going to slip off and get back in bed. My turn to get a bit of uninterrupted sleep. But in a while I’ll be back to watching. Back to being the deathwatcher again.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

On Temptation, but It Feels Like Cheating:

Is it really cheating if I don’t do the exercises for my Wii Active the way they want me to?

You see, there is a strap with a pocket that the other half of the control sticks goes into so the game knows if you are, in fact, doing the exercise. This strap goes on your thigh. They made it big enough for even my massive thighs, so fatties like me can play also. (It even has an extender strap if needed.)

The trouble is, I’ve been having a problem with it registering on the game that I have, in fact, been doing what it is I’m supposed to be doing. I am doing the exercises, but as the fat gets softer so it can be used up and get off of my body, I am now a wiggling, giggling mass of flesh.

I keep on getting a message that I must stop and be still between the segments of each exercise for the game to register that I am doing it correctly. I stop and read this message, as my muscles scream ‘Oh, Yes You Are Doing It Right.’ I’ve stopped but my fat is still doing the wave on my thigh and other parts of my body.

Lately I have been holding the nun-chuck in my other hand and simulate the movement of my leg as I do the exercises. I’m working hard, gaining strength and loosing weight. I’m not interrupted while doing the exercises to read the silly message and the rhythm and fun in my exercising is back.

So why does it feel like I’m cheating?

(Probably, because now I know, that if I wanted to… I could sit on the couch and flick my wrists and get credit for it, without the work. And I don‘t like that kind of temptation.)

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

On Cemetery Visits and Friends:

I missed you guys. (I grew up just outside of New York City. ‘You Guys’ means people, friends, not just males.) My girl friend that had posted for me in the past was on vacation, camping to get away from technology, so I didn’t even have her to tell you that I was having computer difficulties.

Cut off and busy playing ‘Miss Fix It’, I had a lot of time to think. I put some things in perspective and got my head straitened out a bit more. A good thing I think. That was when I wasn’t cursing at what I was doing at the moment.

I’m very glad to be back. The rhythm in my life has returned. I’m not stuck boring myself to death with the same old things in my head. I’m an input person. I need new things to think, do, or see. And summer means reruns and dribble on TV. Oh, how I missed my computer.

I didn’t get much crafting done because I was moving my desk, with all its stuff on it, and furniture around and back to get to the wiring. A big job in anyone’s book. I’m also a stuff person.

I’m still catching up on reading all the blogs I follow and also the ones I look in on. Not to mention my email boxes. I find myself wanting to comment on everything I read and making a pest of myself again. I’m using restraint or I‘d never catch up.

On the sixth of July, I had a good day, if you could call it that, mourning my sons death. My Ex called to tell me that one of my son’s old friends saw him in town. She showed my Ex a tattoo she has on her ankle ‘RIP Kevin’ and told him she still goes to the cemetery to visit him. It is nice to know that others still remember ten years later.

I’m glad to be back among my friends in cyber space. Hello to all of you out there. I missed you while I was gone.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

On My Absents:

I’d like to say that I was kid napped by pirates or aliens, but I wasn’t. It was just the stars aligned against me and I was left adrift in a world of no phone, computer, car or friends.

I’ll start at the beginning.

On the day I last blogged, July Fourth I believe, after I blogged I then read the other blogs I follow and look in on until about eight in the morning. I turned off the computer and went back to bed with a head ache that was trying to get worse. I woke to the phone ringing in a strange way around 9:30. A small ting with the rest of the ring missing. I was grateful because of the migraine I now had and I answered the phone.

Mountain Man had arrived at his destination and would call around 3:00 PM before he hit the road again for home. I went back to sleep.

I got up around 2:00 PM to bathroom and eat a bit before taking more meds for my head. I was surprised that the phone hadn’t rung all day but glad. It was a holiday so I just figured everyone was busy elsewhere and I had to get rid of this headache before the fireworks started up at sundown.

Mountain Man got home around 5:30, I’m feeling someway better, and the first thing he asked was, how come he couldn’t reach me on the phone when he called? I told him I was in bed all day and we checked to see if I hadn’t hung up the receiver properly.

No phones. Well not until they had all been unplugged and plugged back in. No worries, right?

Next day, No phones and no computer connection. What the ???

We buy some new phones and phone line. Replace the phones and lines and as expected, we were back in business. (By the way while out the car door starts to give Mountain Man trouble again.) He gets on web to find out about the car door.

I get ready to blog again. I write a blog to move onto my site and when he gets off of the web I try to get back on with my computer. Nothing doing! I go to fiddle with the new phone line incase I hadn’t gotten the new line in right and the computer gives me a shock. A burn on the finger. The phone lines are dead again and the computer is humming busily away like nothing is the matter.

Computer working but shocking anyone coming near to it, and the phones are out again. I go out to let Mountain Man know we have a bigger problem then before, only to find the car with the doors off, and two of them apart.

The car is in one piece again, I won’t go into the days of waiting for it to be fixed the other days of migraines and the computer waiting for a new modem to replace the one that had died.

All I’ll say is my computer is home from repair, we have all new phones and lines again, I don’t have a head ache, and I’m looking for a new car.

And I’m very glad to be back.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

On Grumble, Groan and Grouse:

Yesterday it rained. Not all day, but on and off thunder storms. Enough hard rain to cause mud slides that close one of the roads down the mountain. But we did get a few visitors anyway, when the rain held off.

A Ruffed Grouse and her six children came through the yard and over the north wall into the garden.

Ruffed Grouse is the Pennsylvania State Bird and is also called The Wild Chicken. They are game birds and we hadn’t seen much of them in the last few years.

The first picture is of the Mother with her crest up. Followed by two of her chicks. (Sorry for the blurry ones, they were taken through the screen on the door.)

The chicks are almost as large as she is but not as well feathered.

They moved to the wall, and over they went. I think I got a few good shots as they did.

By the time I crept out the door and to the wall to see what they were up to in the garden, they were going over the west wall and were off into the woods.

Have a Happy ‘Fourth of July’ America!

Friday, July 3, 2009

On Breathing:

Most everyone in the USA are getting ready for a holiday weekend. Tomorrow is July Fourth or our Independence Day. Fireworks and fire crackers have been going off despite the rainy weather. Parades with people in raincoats even on some of the band instruments. A soggy holiday we are having here. No, not in the whole country. There are places where the sun is shining I am sure.

I turn inward at this time of year. Once upon a time I was one of the first to be out with my flag flying and the barbeque all fired up. I’d go to the fireworks shows and sing the national anthem proud. Not that I don’t feel proud to be an American, because I do. My flag still flies even though no one drives by my house to see it. (I live on a place that is back behind some other properties on a dead end road in the country.)

For me it is timing. My son died two days after July Fourth, ten years ago. As others celebrate around me I go into mourning. I go to the cemetery and clean off his grave, refresh the flowers and pull the weeds. People will be coming to the cemetery to see the flags flying over the graves of the veterans. I want his resting place to look nice and cared for. He too is remembered although he never served his country in the military. No flag dresses his grave.

In his own way he served others. He helped the homeless and others in their time of need. He was giving, sharing and kind.

I miss him like the years have not been going by. Like when a light goes out in the kitchen. You feel like you can’t cook and clean as well with the space darkened in the night even if all the other lights are still on. There is a shadow where once there was light. I live with the shadows cast across my work space now.

I leave other to play under the fireworks and flairs. They barbeque and watch or march in the parades. They will gasp and sigh in thrill and wonder. I will be here in the shadows, clutching darkened air to me. Holding the nothingness of memories close to me. Remembering a life that breathes no more. And wondering how this much time could have past while I’ve been holding my breath.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

On Stuck in a Not So Good Place:

Sorry for the complaint, but how else do I explain my absences.

I’m here and alive, but feel like that is just barely. The rain keeps coming down daily. I keep on having sinus headaches that lead to migraines. I spend days in the darkened bedroom waiting for my life to be able to continue.

Every few days I get a break and only have a sinus headache and I run around like a chicken without a head, cleaning and doing laundry, shopping and taking care of the dogs, before the next wave hits.

My brain has turned to mush and I haven’t been able to keep up on my exercise program. I haven’t been doing any crafts or knitting. No writing and I barely get to my emails every once in a while.

I can only think this will continue until the weather changes. So I won’t mention it again. I’ll just try to soldier on. But if I go missing for days on end, you will know were I‘ve been. In bed wishing I was anywhere else in the world.

I hope you are having a better time and enjoying better weather.