On Finishing:

Despite the fact that I was in fact ‘a finisher’ when I worked in the dress factory and that I used to finish all jobs left undone by others around me most of my life…

…Since I had cancer a few years ago I don’t seem to be able to finish many of the things I start to do.

At first I chalked it up to my mini seizure troubles. This did lead to loosing my place as I did things, and a bout or two of depression. But I tried to soldier on.

My knitting bin looks like a rainbow of discontent. Half and quarter done projects litter its depths.

I let people down by not completing the things I have said I would do. Not because I have over scheduled myself or ran out of steam. I just forget that I had said I would do it in the first place.

If I get interrupted, mores the pity. Many times I come into a room to find half done chores still waiting for me to come and finish them.

The phone rings, the dogs need water in their bowls, a song comes on the radio and I’m off in another direction not realizing that I have yet to finish the task at hand.

I am no longer the go to person when someone needs something done. I can’t be counted on to finish brushing my own teeth at times let alone putting the cap back on the tube.

Getting old is no picnic. But feeling like you can’t even trust yourself to take care of the day to day things is very disheartening.

Now, I wonder if I just have holes in my head. The seizures have not been an issue for almost a year. And still my concentration and stick-to-it-tive-ness has not come back. Maybe it is linked to my short term memory troubles, I just don’t know.

I use to wonder what my life would be like if, and when, my husband died and I lived alone. Now I wonder if I will be able to find a trustworthy sitter for myself if that day ever comes.

I’m still laughing about it at the moment. But the sad fact is, the day might come when I’ll be laughing to keep from crying.

On Getting Lost in a Galaxy Far, Far Away:

I found my TV version of Heaven. (Okay, one of them anyway. Hulu has The Addams Family TV Series for free.)

Watch Star Trek Episodes Free or Watchtrek.com (www.allstepisodes.com)

You to can watch all the Star Trek Episodes for free there.

Who ever put this together is doing it in a good will way.

No Money. No downloads. No email address and password access. Just click and watch for free. It is just no frills treking for free.

No commercials interrupting. He even apologizes about the few adds on the outer screen. He even has links for pop-up add blockers if you are having trouble with that. (And you can always do the small screen thing and hide the banner adds from yourself, like I do at times.)

I’ve never been to a Star Trek Convention, though my son used to go.

I don’t have a favorite character, I do have my likes and dislikes.

I just love this stuff as a whole.

All the TV Series in one place for free.

You can find me there for the foreseeable future. If I can pull myself away from the episodes long enough, I might even get into the forum there.

Star Trek - Original Series
Next Generation
Deep Space Nine
Voyager
Enterprise

What a lot of Star Trek enjoyment I have in store.

On Deathy Subjects:

I’ve been trying to read most of all the blogs I’ve missed in the time I was away. So much so, my eyes are red and itchy.

The subject matter is mostly about restarting in the new year. Refusing to do the resolutions thing and thoughts on birthday parties came up second as subject matter.

And interesting one was on having instructions for your blog after your death. You know passwords and wishes for pulling it down or leaving it up and just adding an epitaph.

It did get me thinking again. I have not made a strict decision there. When my Ex died last spring and my daughter was having a hard time accessing his info and cleaning out his emails and other web activities, I thought hard about it.

Do I want my family going through my privet diary and letters, once my passwords are known? Hearing me moan in an unkind way about stupid stuff that I had forgotten once it was written down?

There are a some very nice things in there. But I told them about how I felt about those things at the time.

Whether my blog lives on long after I’m dead is still a mystery. I think… What if others can benefit from my blog?

I re-read a few random blog postings from my past and think, what was I thinking on that day?

I’m leaning toward leaving it up with the epitaph thing added on, at the moment, but know that my husband and daughter will probably want it taken down.

Would your family like to find your words randomly coming up on a google search in years to come? I don’t think mine would.

A lot to think about. Have a Goth day!

On Catching Up and Gaining Perspective:

Thank you for all the support. It kind of feels like I was away for longer then I really was. Days of no crafting can do that. And there was a lot of catching up around the house once I got back.

But I’m almost done with that and I can’t wait to get back to my jigsaw puzzles, crafting, and knitting.

And the quiet. No moaning, babbling, or chatting from others.

You just don’t realize what you have until you don’t have it, even if it is only for a few days.

Take a few minutes to just walk around your place and look around. Count your blessings. It just feels good to do every once in a while.

I’ll look at this past week as a learning experience.

A good way to start any new year, I think. And its nice to know that I can still learn some new things at my age. But then again living is learning, isn’t it?

On If The Year Starts Bad, It Can Only Get Better, Right:

I really missed you guys! (As in any gender. ‘You’s Guys’) Yes I’m that old and don’t care who knows it. (Watch an old black and white movie set in New York City if you want to hear it pronounced.)

I’m home and doing much better.

The happy pills caused an allergy attack, that caused me to accidentally start a small fire knocking over a candle.

Had a ‘brief’ stay in the hospital to get everything all straightened out, meds wise. (Didn’t realize just how busy the psyc ward is at this time of year.)

All is well and I’m happy again, under my own speed. (That is, the only thing left from the experience is a slight smoky smell in the curtains.

I‘ve already downloaded a new, unburned paper toy cemetery from Ravens Blight. (Those of you who have been reading for a while know that I bury the old year on New Years Eve.) I started doing this in toy form during a very icy New Years Eve a few years ago.

Okay on to the Story:

On New Years Eve day I took my happy pills and sat down to set up my cemetery set for our little New Years Eve party later that day. I broke out in a bad hive rash along with swelling and I jumped up to get my liquid Benedry in the next room.

The table was bumped, though I didn’t notice it at that moment, and a lit tapered candle fell out of the candle holder and set the paper toy cemetery ablaze. (It was on my Formica topped table and there isn’t much of a scorch mark left.)

I came back into the room to find the cemetery play set burning and the room full of smoke. Threw water on it and it was out in no time.

Anyway, I went to the hospital to get checked out (Allergy, Meds, Smoky Coughing.) and stayed, at their behest, until they were sure that I didn’t start the fire on purpose. (Over worked Doctors on a holiday can be sooooo understanding, Not!) Got my happy meds removed and was doing a lot better. They sent me home med-less yesterday.

The food was bad, the company worse. (Some good people in a bad situation. Not that I Blame them.) The wait for the doctors to have the time to get to me was hard. (But I understand that others needed the attention more.)

It’s good to be home and back with understanding friends.

Belated Happy New Years
Everyone!

On False Face:

I'd like to be feeling better about the place I'm at, but I don't. I feel better about getting things done under my own steam, but when help is needed what else can you do.

I think I'll be more comfortable when I'm back under my own speed and off the happy pills.

I've always liked to think of myself as a natural do-it-yourselfer. I get things done at my own pace, in my own way, with little interference from others.

But as I get older I find I need to rely on others, or other things, more often.

This is not a particularly good feeling for me. In fact, I don't like losing my singularity at all.

I know that in reality I don't live in a vacuum. Help from others is readily
available and often used.

I just don't like feeling dependent, or feeling adrift while waiting for help.

I also know that in the future, as I get older, I'll need to rely on others more often. This does not suit me at all and I'll have to get used to that feeling.

Being Goth does not exclude me from being sociable, but being sociable is not necessarily a Goth thing. So, I don't have a lot of resources, or people, to choose from when help is needed.

If you've ever seen the movie ‘Addams Family Values’. In the movie Wednesday Addams is at Camp. She is put in the ‘Harmony Hut’ for not playing well with others. She comes out happy and perky, but this makes her more scary than before. I’m feeling a bit like that on these happy pills.

Also though I am generally a happy, perky, Goth. I don't like being forced to leave the Goth out of it to be accepted by others.

I do tone it down when I go out in the world, it just makes things easier, and me less ridiculous at my age, but that is my choice. And sometimes I choose not to tone it down at all.

Being Goth is not a mental illness. There are no more mentally ill people in the Goth World than in the ‘Normal’ one.

Why should I have to leave the Goth that makes me feel good at home, just to get some meds for another problem entirely. You'd think they'd know better. I'm seasonally depressed not a ‘depressive’ Goth case.

I for see a miserable old lady dressed in pastel clothing, and baby pink lipstick, in a nursing home some day. Take my Goth away, and you take away my happiness. I’d rather be an old Goth hag in the corner than an aging beauty queen on display.

On Not A Depressing Story:

So I have been in a snit. Well it all started with SAD (Seasonal Affectedness Disorder) or Seasonal Depression.

I was letting my life fall to the wayside as I sat and did nothing. Well nothing productive.

The days started to get a bit longer and I was coming out of it only to find myself 15 pounds heavier, again, and my house a mess. Not to mention a few dents in my relationship with Mountain Man.

Angry with myself I pissed and moaned, held my head and rocked, screamed and got to work.

I have learned to live with Seasonal Depression. But now that is not enough. I will not let it take over my world again just because it is temporary.

I did now, and will in future, get some meds and avoid the destruction to my life and the ones around me.

I have learned not to be selfish. Not to rain on the lives around me just because it will pass.

Have a healthier and happier New Year everyone. I will.