Thursday, December 30, 2010

On False Face:

I'd like to be feeling better about the place I'm at, but I don't. I feel better about getting things done under my own steam, but when help is needed what else can you do.

I think I'll be more comfortable when I'm back under my own speed and off the happy pills.

I've always liked to think of myself as a natural do-it-yourselfer. I get things done at my own pace, in my own way, with little interference from others.

But as I get older I find I need to rely on others, or other things, more often.

This is not a particularly good feeling for me. In fact, I don't like losing my singularity at all.

I know that in reality I don't live in a vacuum. Help from others is readily
available and often used.

I just don't like feeling dependent, or feeling adrift while waiting for help.

I also know that in the future, as I get older, I'll need to rely on others more often. This does not suit me at all and I'll have to get used to that feeling.

Being Goth does not exclude me from being sociable, but being sociable is not necessarily a Goth thing. So, I don't have a lot of resources, or people, to choose from when help is needed.

If you've ever seen the movie ‘Addams Family Values’. In the movie Wednesday Addams is at Camp. She is put in the ‘Harmony Hut’ for not playing well with others. She comes out happy and perky, but this makes her more scary than before. I’m feeling a bit like that on these happy pills.

Also though I am generally a happy, perky, Goth. I don't like being forced to leave the Goth out of it to be accepted by others.

I do tone it down when I go out in the world, it just makes things easier, and me less ridiculous at my age, but that is my choice. And sometimes I choose not to tone it down at all.

Being Goth is not a mental illness. There are no more mentally ill people in the Goth World than in the ‘Normal’ one.

Why should I have to leave the Goth that makes me feel good at home, just to get some meds for another problem entirely. You'd think they'd know better. I'm seasonally depressed not a ‘depressive’ Goth case.

I for see a miserable old lady dressed in pastel clothing, and baby pink lipstick, in a nursing home some day. Take my Goth away, and you take away my happiness. I’d rather be an old Goth hag in the corner than an aging beauty queen on display.


whitey said...

if I was closer..... I would come help!

Becky said...

I'm a weirdo who's never really fit in and I know just what you mean. Usually it's not an issue but sometimes it's sad feeling so different and having people not take you seriously or understand at all. I hope things look up a bit for you. Happy new year!