Monday, January 10, 2011

On Finishing:

Despite the fact that I was in fact ‘a finisher’ when I worked in the dress factory and that I used to finish all jobs left undone by others around me most of my life…

…Since I had cancer a few years ago I don’t seem to be able to finish many of the things I start to do.

At first I chalked it up to my mini seizure troubles. This did lead to loosing my place as I did things, and a bout or two of depression. But I tried to soldier on.

My knitting bin looks like a rainbow of discontent. Half and quarter done projects litter its depths.

I let people down by not completing the things I have said I would do. Not because I have over scheduled myself or ran out of steam. I just forget that I had said I would do it in the first place.

If I get interrupted, mores the pity. Many times I come into a room to find half done chores still waiting for me to come and finish them.

The phone rings, the dogs need water in their bowls, a song comes on the radio and I’m off in another direction not realizing that I have yet to finish the task at hand.

I am no longer the go to person when someone needs something done. I can’t be counted on to finish brushing my own teeth at times let alone putting the cap back on the tube.

Getting old is no picnic. But feeling like you can’t even trust yourself to take care of the day to day things is very disheartening.

Now, I wonder if I just have holes in my head. The seizures have not been an issue for almost a year. And still my concentration and stick-to-it-tive-ness has not come back. Maybe it is linked to my short term memory troubles, I just don’t know.

I use to wonder what my life would be like if, and when, my husband died and I lived alone. Now I wonder if I will be able to find a trustworthy sitter for myself if that day ever comes.

I’m still laughing about it at the moment. But the sad fact is, the day might come when I’ll be laughing to keep from crying.

1 comment:

CMZ Art/ Rustic Goth said...

I suspect it comes with the 'aging' process.
I haven't had any serious illness, I take no prescription meds...or alcohol...(so I have no excuses)..but I too suffer from such forgetfulness.
I can get up to go get something and before I've taken two steps, I can't remember why I got up in the first place.
I think it helps to just 'shrug it off' and keep going as best we can.