Tuesday, May 24, 2011

On Being Mickey Mouse Bugged:

I feel like I fell through the cracks.

The last time I got a chance to blog was the day Blogger was off line. What was that, a week and a half ago?

The kids came in and we had a good time visiting. I like this Grandma gig.

I’ve been busy since the kids went back home more then a week ago.

Very busy! Not that I can complain. Some people are homeless from the storms and tornados that have been plaguing the country. Fire, flood, wind and rain. When will it all slow down and give us a break.

With all the rain water on the ground here. No not flooding in my house. I have pestilence. Or I should say my house does. Mice and bugs. They have no where to go in the over wet ground and they find ways into my house.

We are doing all we can to fight back, but as I am out of the house except to clean it, I only have my lap top and it doesn’t like to stay connected to internet. At least not long enough to get my blog out.

I haven’t even been able to read other people’s blogs. Not that I have found the time to.

So I’m out of touch and cleaning critter crap from my things.

I haven’t seen my pretty things in over a week. No long black dresses. No Knitting. No fun. I even missed World Goth Day on Sunday. I forgot what day of the week it was that day, as we continued to clean and re-clean the house.

I even missed going to my cemetery for my son’s birthday last week.

I hope all of you are doing well. Or at least doing better then I am these days. We’ll get this done and over with and I’ll be back complaining about being bored in no time.

But for now we are closing cracks and disposing of vermin.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

On Try As I May:

May will always be a hard month for me. Mothers Day has that hard spot of missing my dead son. Looking at the spring weed flowers in the yard and remembering bouquets of them given to me on mom’s days past.

Then his birthday comes along a week or so later. This year I have another week to go.

It is not the same kind of hard that July is. July is the month he died.

Yes it has been years. He would have been 37 years old. But he stopped at 25.

Almost 12 years since his death. I’ve come a long way since the day he died. The first five were the hardest. The next five I created a new normal. Now I just stagnate in a limbo of emptiness on the day he was born.

What do you do on your child’s birthday when he is not there to celebrate it any longer? His sister calls and we talk about him for a few minutes.

I go to the cemetery to visit. Put out new flowers. And people act funny around me, if they don‘t avoid me altogether. Will I mention it? Will I expect them to remember? Will they be caught not remembering why I am so disengaged on that day?

No. This is my cross to bare. Others have moved on. Some others have died themselves. I’m the lone watcher on his birthday.

I remember having him. Natural child birth. He was all wrinkles and red. Beautiful and a part of me.

I remember birthday parties, presents, balloons. Candles on cakes, smiles and giggles. Chocolate on faces. Melting ice cream.

There is no party to look forward to. No presents or balloons. I’ll sit all alone. Waiting for the day to end for another year.

But waiting for the day to come is almost just as hard.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

On Time Flies:

I haven’t been ignoring you. Really I haven’t. Well not in my head anyway.

I kept on saying to myself, “I have to get the camera and take a picture for my blog friends.” or, “I just have to tell them about this.”

But I kept on doing the spring cleaning in the house or outside, or having this or that little adventure with the dog, and we did do a few small home improvements and they were on Mountain Man‘s schedule.

And the days just slipped through me fingers as I slipped off to sleep tired from another day well spent.

I did get a lot done in the mean time.

I’m pretty sure it all started the day I upgraded some things on the computer and all hell broke loose. Firefox 4 doesn’t work well with the anti virus I have. So I had to remove it and find a place to reapply Firefox 3.(whatever).

Then there was all the other things that stopped working because I took out Firefox 4. Seems like most everything from the disk drive to the new temp keyboard went haywire.

All had to be removed and reapplied. So after a few days of that I got into spring cleaning in a big way, never making time to talk to you. And I hate myself for it.

So the kids are coming in for the weekend. I can’t wait to see the grandbaby again. I did the Grandma thing and ran out to buy a baby swing for him. I hope the weather lets me put it up outside for him to use. Now where did I put my bat stickers? I think it needs the Goth Grandma touch.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

On Checking Facts:

On further checking my facts it was Knit Yoga that meme-ed me.

Not that I don't like or find Darkside of Knitting a good blogger, because I do, but credit should go were credit is due.

And so please give Knit Yoga a look see.

She makes wonderful crafts besides her knitting.

And thanks for putting up with my memory troubles. I'd loose my head if it wasn't stuck on.

On A Shout Out:

Back a few weeks ago when I was going through that bad time of my dogs dieing, Darkside of Knitting tagged me for a meme. And I thank her because every peek into my blog helps.

It was a meme I had done a few months before, the Stylish Blogger Award, and I just couldn’t bring myself to get into it at that time.

But I really like her blog and didn’t want her to loose my adding to her traffic by nhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifot playing along. So please go and check out Darkside of Knitting. You just might like it too.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

On Spring Sneezes:

It is official, Spring it here!

I know because I am sneezing and coughing, and my eyes are itching off my face and my head hurts.

It’s the trees. Tree pollen it floating in clouds of green in the breeze.

I pray for rain to wash the air.

I’m going to hide in bed until it is over.

Monday, May 2, 2011

On Front Garden Flowers on May 1:

Happy First of May. The next two thirds of the year have commenced.

The walk with Husta border.

Grape Hyacinths around tree.

Violets. (One of my favorite flowers.)

Myrtle. (Sorry, the color was a bit washed out in the sunshine.)

Daffodils. (Double ruffle and peach colored. Fenced in to keep the puppy out.)

Sunday, May 1, 2011

On It Got To Me:

Over the weekend I was going to show you pictures of the flowers blooming in my yard.

Every time I picked up the camera to get those pictures the phone rang or someone dropped by.

The pictures were never taken.

The same conversation kept on being repeated over and over. Tornado destruction, wars, flooding, earth quakes. Lucky it wasn’t us. So sad for those people.

By the end of Sunday I was in tears. I couldn’t listen any longer. Not that I didn’t care. It was that I did. I was feeling it too much and couldn’t fix it for them or myself.

I’m no stranger to bad times. I’ve had cancer, I‘ve lost a child, gone through a divorce. Bad times come and go.

I know good times also. I’m glad for even the bad days in my life. Life has its ups and downs. And I’m living my life in the best way I know how.

I laugh and groan at my happy puppy daily. But by Sunday evening even the puppy couldn’t get a smile out of me.

I’ll do what I can, donate, pray, help in my own way from where I am. But tonight it wasn’t enough. I just had to cry some of the pain away. Knowing that the losses some of those people suffered will have changed those people forever more.

I know that damage in my heart and my heart bleeds for them remembering my own losses and how deep they went for me.

They will smile and dance and sing again someday. But right now there is emptiness and tears, pain and loss. And it just got to me.